Monday, December 12, 2011

Grace

I suppose now is as good a time as any to inform anyone reading this that I am a complete scumbag. That being said, it is not entirely accurate. It's really rather complicated and has everything to do with why I suddenly became intensely motivated to move here.
It all started when I began my five year venture into college. I began dating a lovely girl who's only fault was giving me far too much credit. Something, ironically, I intensely long for in my future partner. Trust. It's something I didn't fully understand until I proved myself not worthy of having it. Trusting someone in a relationship is a beautiful thing and taking advantage of that trust is easier then beating my little sister at tether-ball. (Which I've never done, but if I did, it would be brutal) Anyway we dated for the better part of four years and in that time I cheated on her. More than once.
I'm going to rewind to when I was in high school for a moment. When I was a teenager I dreamt of one day meeting a beautiful girl, falling in love with her, and getting married. My parents have been divorced since I was about two years old and one thing I swore to myself back then was that I would never let anything like that happen to me. Ever. I would love my wife, unconditionally, until I died. They were intense fantasies about a life I knew absolutely nothing about. Coming out of thirteen year, overly-sheltered, private Christian education, the real world had a huge shit-eating grin on its face the moment I convinced myself my actions had no consequences.Which is downright silly.
There are always consequences, good and bad. But when I began college I was so convincing, to my girlfriend and myself that what I was doing simply wasn't happening or at least was not wrong in mine or God's eyes. I lied to her. I lied to myself. And I believed it like you would believe an admirable college professor; hanging on their every word like it was the most truthful and awe-inspiring lecture you've ever taken notes on.
She had no idea what was going on. The signs were there, my unprovoked, erratic behavior was wildly gesturing at something rotten in my core. Yet she accepted and loved me anyway. Just like my high school fantasy, loving each other no matter what. The details of what I was actually doing faded away behind a facade of never wanting to let go of a seemingly desirable relationship.
There are moments I take away from this time when I can honestly say I loved this woman. I shared real moments of passion, laughter, sadness, and love that, as I reflect, were truthful in the moment. However when you look at the big picture, when you see it with hindsight, knowing full-well that I was unfaithful and irrational in justifying all the temporary break ups in order to allow my mind to avoid the guilt that beguiled my entire soul... all of those moments crumble to the unmistakeable truth that I built my beautiful fantasy of falling in love on a turbulent sea of deceit and lies.
There isn't a day that passes when I don't regret these actions. I think it was months after I moved to Raleigh that I fully came to understand what I had done. We are all selfish to a certain degree and I certainly hate what I did to this person; but what scared me more than that was the fact that I lied to myself and distorted the truth so far that I no longer was able to discern reality from my own perversion. It was the worst epiphany I have ever had and I certainly wish that no one else ever reaches this point in their life. It was terrible. I beat myself up over it. In essence, I became all of the things I swore I wouldn't ever become.
It is because of this that I have devoted my life to the pursuit of honesty. I came out of this depression knowing that being truthful, in every possible moment, needed to replace whatever was inside of me that allowed such trickery to go so far. I needed radical honesty. (Which also happens to be a book that can really help facilitate this process for anyone who is interested, I recommend it)
I wish I could end this post telling you that I reaped what sowed on this venture. The consequences, at that in point in time, seemed like they had run their course. I was wrong. It wouldn't be until over a year later that I would experience loss like that I inflicted on my college girlfriend. I thought I understood the universe when I triumphantly discovered radical honesty and books and lectures by Rob Bell and even rediscovering the beautiful poetry and parables of the Bible. It seemed like I was back in balance with myself and the world. And in so believing that, I made myself comfortable with "getting back out there" into the dating scene. It would prove to be an equally important lesson, but one that I will have to share another time.
I still have those fantasies about falling in love. I still dream about having a beautiful and spectacular relationship with someone who also happens to be my best friend. I am just much more aware of how things really work as opposed to wishing that things worked a certain way.

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